Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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