The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
