what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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