It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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