I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
