we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
