it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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