the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
