Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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