We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
