Who wears a wallet chain?!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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