remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
