I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
should my penis look like a turkey
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
