Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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