i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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