dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
