I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She told me I should be a condom model.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I think your dad took our porno
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
