Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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