Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize