My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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