New invention idea: vibrating tampons
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Can I color on your dick again?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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