You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
