The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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