yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
