I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
