hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
