he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
