I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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