I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
how drunk are you?
Several
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize