you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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