Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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