one word: firstdatebathroomanal
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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