the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
