Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
