captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
