Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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