discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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