don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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