thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
