two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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