Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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