I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
