she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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