Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
