she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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