when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
