no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
nutella sex= disaster
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize