Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
