fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
