i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
