New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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