actually, I'm a sock model
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
