Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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