They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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