I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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