Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Pants are for mortals
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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