Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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