that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
