quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
