Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
