Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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