my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
