Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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