someone threw a dead crab at me
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize