I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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